The Five Stages of Grief

I was reading my paper this morning, eating my raisin bran, and it hits me again, my Aggies are a 8 point underdog to the Baylor Freaking Bears. I'm still stunned a little bit, but thought I'd pen this for the Aggie readers, the Five Stages of Grief of an Aggie Football fan.

1. Denial - my first sign of a problem was the loss to Arkansas State...I just didn't know it at the time. You always look back later and see the signs. We Aggies blamed the loss on four turnovers, and the transition to a new coach. We ignored the fact we allowed 400 yards and controlled the time of possession.
2. Anger - the anger is best desribed by a former site AggieCoach.com. You can get to Google's Cache Site. The 14 point plan to revive the athletic department is a bit much, but you can definitely feel the anger toward the coaches.
3. Bargaining - I promise I'll be a better Aggie fan, and end my bitterness toward Revielle VIII, if we didn't lose to Army. My prayer - like many foxhole prayers, didn't last.
4. Depression - I found the perfect medication to lift my spirits. ViAggieRa!
5. Acceptance - Take Baylor give the points.

Good news is basketball season starts tomorrow for the Men, and the Women won yesterday. Gig em!

This is Home

The Aggies have "started" the season with a loss to Arkansas State, narrowly beating New Mexico, and getting absolutely drilled by Thug U. The one team we beat is so bad, they lost to Tulsa by 42 points two weeks later. How can you lose to Tulsa? Plus, we've started this whole, new "This is home" campaign.

Coach Sherman, it's time to roll the red carpet back up. We've lost our first two home games for the first time since 1972. Miami didn't just come in and make themselves at home, they had their way with the runt of the litter in the back yard while they were in the neighborhood.

When I die, I don't want to be buried outside Kyle Field; put me near Reed Arena.

Topeka Exports

The researhers here at LandThieves dug up a video of Reveille VIII and asked me to comment.

First of all, the dog is from Topeka, KS. A quick tour of Wikipedia lists the following as Topeka's exports:

a) Kansas, the 70s-80s rock band; b) Mark Turgeon, current TAMU hoops coach; c) Katrina Leskanich, lead singer of Katrina and the Waves; and d) Annette Benning, actress

In a nutshell, this dog is the biggest thing to leave Topeka in 25 years. Which is truly stunning, considering how leaving Topeka would presumably be a popular thing to do.

In terms of the video, the reporter keeps talking about a life unlike other dogs. Let's not forget the death is different, too. Most dogs in Kansas get thrown out on a dirt road after they die, or maybe buried next to a hamster in the backyard. The carcass of Reveille VIII, when appropriate, will be buried outside Kyle Field so it can "watch the football game". Like the freaking dog's got x-ray vision. Hello? She's dead. If she had those sort of superpowers, she would have done something a little bit more extraordiary than be drug around Texas by a couple of boys with no social life.

I'm Back!

I just wanted to let everyone know I filed my reinstatement papers with Texas A & M today. I have been talking to them unofficially for a couple of weeks now, and we just couldn't come to an agreement on what to do with me. I expect President Murano to review the papers tomorrow and make a final decision.

Rumors around College Station was that former Vice President of Student Affairs Dean Bresciani was looking to trade me to another school outside the Big 12 that needed a mascot. That rules out my favorite - I was hoping they would move me to Oklahoma State - they have a good vet school, and just like TAMU, it's an Aggie school with an inferiority complex like you wouldn't believe. Plus, they've got that goofy looking Pistol Pete wandering around athletic events. That guy creeps me out. I phoned Boone a couple of times on my Aggie issued cell phone, but he's busy with his wind energy project. Next time I see him, I'll show him some wind.

By the way, did you know that if you rearrange the letters in Dean Bresciani you can spell "rabies and nice"? Anyway, Bresciani apparently resigned under duress earlier this month. I sure hope my indecision on staying retired didn't effect his employment status. Now there's a whole new org structure at the school. There's a lot of change going on at school. I hope now that the price of gas is falling they will fund the fishing program appropriately.

Many of you are probably wondering why I came back. I've been staying up late at night watching M*A*S*H* reruns on TVLand with my new master, HeadThief. It was all I could do during the incessant promos for "She's got the look". Now, M*A*S*H* has been replaced by Hogan's Heroes, and it's just not the same. Then they started that piece of crap show with George Foreman. But the last straw was last night, when TVLand ran a commercial for prostrate medication and followed it with an ad wishing women a "happy period". you can even send an e-card to that effect. At that point, I decided it was time to get off the couch and get back into the action.

For my return, I was contemplated partnering with Budweiser to do some sort of ads opposing the 'happy period' line. Maybe something like, "While you're girlfriend's having a happy period, go out with the guys and drink a 24-pack." Kinda like "wishing you a speedy recovery" card.

Wait, where were we? Sorry, we dogs have short attention spans. I hope the Aggie administration will give me a second chance at the starting position for Aggie mascot. I don't wish to finish out my career as a backup.

Watermelon and Viagra

The Dog Days of summer are upon us, and it's too hot to chase cars or my tail. Today I had to speak up. As you saw last week, the #2 ranked collegiate bass fishing team in this great land of ours was unable to compete in the Big 12 bass fishing championships because they didn't have enough money for fuel.

To add to my misery, in an article posted on the Star-Telegram site, Barry Shlachter tells us that someday watermelons may have Viagra like qualities. At least that's what a TAMU researcher is studying. The article is basically a plea for money. If you read the whole article, Bhimanagoda Patil is looking for federal funds to help this endeavor. I'm appalled Cash Machine U would stoop to that level. Plus, where was the plea for funds for bass fishing? What's more important? Having a nationally ranked fishing program, or doctored up watermelon you can feed to Bubba so he can be aroused for four hours?

Maybe you shouldn't answer that.

Retirement Speech

Well, the big day is coming up fast. The handlers weren't going to let me say anything, but this blog let's me air it all out.

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for coming out today. I haven’t seen this much concern for an animal since Barbaro - strike that - Eight Belles. And I didn’t even have to go to the glue factory to get it! It’s been a mere seven years ago when I was introduced as Reveille VII. I was so nervous I nearly peed on myself! If I would have known how bad Franchione was going to suck as a football coach I would have never accepted this job.

But ignorance was bliss in those days! We didn’t know Reggie McNeal would go from leading an upset of #1 Oklahoma to smoking pot with the Cincinnati Bengals. We didn’t know Coach Fran would peak at TCU. Who’d a thunk Gary Patterson was behind all that? Who knew Billy Gillespie could coach hoops? Who knew Aggies could sport dreadlocks.

News this week is they will be replacing me with a "collie-like" dog. What the #$!#@ if a collie-like dog? As far as I know, I'm being replaced by a clone of the first mutt that was run over during the Depression. Can someone help me out here? Also, is there an editor for the paper? The story starts out, "As the semester comes to a close, Reveille VII will retire and no replacement mascot has not been decided on yet." Nice double negative. Can I get a little more love than this on my last week out.

Pardon me, I digress. Many people have written in letters wanting to know the favorite part of my tenure. So I’ve come up with a list. Here goes:

1. Beating Oklahoma in football when they were the #1 team in the nation.
2. A late night tour of the vet school in 2004. Good times.
3. Finally getting a taste of my handlers. I was so tired of those guys that day.
4. Hiring Billy Gillespie. We made an awesome team. We made the Sweet 16 in men’s BB in 2007. I can’t believe someone from Memphis actually made free throws to win a game.
5. Beating Texas football 12-7 in Austin in 2006. No, that wasn't a cheap shot on Colt McCoy. It was a love tap.
6. Making the Elite Eight in Women’s BB in 2008. Did you know the Lady Aggies have made the post season more times during my tenure than all other Reveille’s combined?

On the other hand, there are some things indelibly on my mind that will likely never be erased, until some vet gives me a little dose of lead and they park me outside Reed Arena. PLEASE DON'T LET THEM PUT ME OUTSIDE KYLE FIELD. Basketball was my sport. The record speaks for itself.

1. Norman, Oklahoma in the fall of 2003.
2. Waco, Texas, 2004
3. Going scoreless for 16 minutes and scoring 10 points in a half.

Let's not dwell any more on the negatives. It's been a nice ride.

Many of you have asked what I will do after retirement. Hopefully, someone will spot me up at a nice ranch where I can catch the occasional rabbit, and hit the motivational speaking circuit every once in a while for some extra income. Absent that, I’ll lay around, eat some, poop some, eat my poop some, and lick myself some. As George Carlin said, if you could do it, you’d never leave the house.

Some message boards have linked me with the Triump the Insult Comic in a retirement home somewhere in California. Those rumors are exactly that - rumors. However, I must admit I've had some lapses in judgment in my personal life. If I offended someone, I apologize.

I wish all you Aggies the best in your future endeavors.

Gig 'em

Reveille VII

All Big 12 Honors

First of all, I'd like to thank Joe Huff for giving me the forum to pick the LandThieves Press All Big 12 team. It's been a very difficult year for me. The envelopes please:

Player of the Year: Michael Beasley. I gave serious consideration to the Dallas Morning News Selection of D.J. Augustin - I was seriously considering calling the po-po to give Chip Brown a drug test.

Coach of the Year: Scott Drew. There were a lot of viable choices here. I think choosing Rick Barnes or Bill Self here is like licking yourself. It's convenient, it feels good. I chose Drew because the Bears were picked in the bottom third of the conference at the beginning of the year. If I'd have told you then Aaron Bruce would play so poorly, and that they would be vying for the fourth spot in the conference the last day of the season, you'd have had me in for drug testing quicker than you can say, "Chip Brown smokes pot."

A lot of end of year all conference and all American teams have goofy combinations of four guards and a center. Or two centers, three forwards and a shooting guard. We here at LTP favor a more traditional setup.

Center: Tyler Hansbrough. Wait, he's not in the Big 12? He'll be the best white big man to come out of North Carolina since Eric Montross. Anywho, there's really not an all conference level center there. But since Brody Freaking Eldridge made all conference as a fullback, I'll go with Aleks Maric, Nebraska.
Forward: Michael Beasley, Kansas State
Forward: Blake Griffin, Oklahoma
Point Guard: D.J. Augustin, Texas
Shooting Guard: Brandon Rush, KU

In doing research for this project, I realized the Big 12 has six people on the all-conference team. I guess we're playing 1980s Oklahoma Girls Basketball. In that case, we'll give a slot to Darrell Arthur, Kansas, just so he can get the roster bonus.

Now for some awards unique to the LandThieves Family o' Blogs:
Most Improved Player with a broken leg: Longar Longar, Oklahoma. The 2007-08 broken leg moedl is better than the 2006-07 healthy one.

Most Public Urination: Bill Walker, Kansas State. There's no honorable mention here, folks. Or dishonorable mention, which would probably be more appropriate.

Worst Time to Fire the Mascot: Texas A&M. We coulda been a contender. Instead, my retirement was leaked to the press and the Aggie hoops fortunes fell faster than David Hernandez could say "Male Cabaret Performer".