All Big 12 Honors

First of all, I'd like to thank Joe Huff for giving me the forum to pick the LandThieves Press All Big 12 team. It's been a very difficult year for me. The envelopes please:

Player of the Year: Michael Beasley. I gave serious consideration to the Dallas Morning News Selection of D.J. Augustin - I was seriously considering calling the po-po to give Chip Brown a drug test.

Coach of the Year: Scott Drew. There were a lot of viable choices here. I think choosing Rick Barnes or Bill Self here is like licking yourself. It's convenient, it feels good. I chose Drew because the Bears were picked in the bottom third of the conference at the beginning of the year. If I'd have told you then Aaron Bruce would play so poorly, and that they would be vying for the fourth spot in the conference the last day of the season, you'd have had me in for drug testing quicker than you can say, "Chip Brown smokes pot."

A lot of end of year all conference and all American teams have goofy combinations of four guards and a center. Or two centers, three forwards and a shooting guard. We here at LTP favor a more traditional setup.

Center: Tyler Hansbrough. Wait, he's not in the Big 12? He'll be the best white big man to come out of North Carolina since Eric Montross. Anywho, there's really not an all conference level center there. But since Brody Freaking Eldridge made all conference as a fullback, I'll go with Aleks Maric, Nebraska.
Forward: Michael Beasley, Kansas State
Forward: Blake Griffin, Oklahoma
Point Guard: D.J. Augustin, Texas
Shooting Guard: Brandon Rush, KU

In doing research for this project, I realized the Big 12 has six people on the all-conference team. I guess we're playing 1980s Oklahoma Girls Basketball. In that case, we'll give a slot to Darrell Arthur, Kansas, just so he can get the roster bonus.

Now for some awards unique to the LandThieves Family o' Blogs:
Most Improved Player with a broken leg: Longar Longar, Oklahoma. The 2007-08 broken leg moedl is better than the 2006-07 healthy one.

Most Public Urination: Bill Walker, Kansas State. There's no honorable mention here, folks. Or dishonorable mention, which would probably be more appropriate.

Worst Time to Fire the Mascot: Texas A&M. We coulda been a contender. Instead, my retirement was leaked to the press and the Aggie hoops fortunes fell faster than David Hernandez could say "Male Cabaret Performer".

Victory

Well, we beat the Fighting Mormons yesterday. The Ags were up 11-0 before BYU even scored a point. Maybe the Cougars could have used a little caffeine pick me up?

The good news in this is that the victory has secured a career winning record in NCAA tournament play for yours truly. We're 4-2 now, and I can only lose one game, so I'm a cinch to be no worse than 4-3. Barring a major upset, that'll be Saturday against UCLA. An Aggie's never been scared of a Bear, though.

When I die, I don't want to be put outside Kyle Field watching the football team struggle against Fresno State. I want to be in a suite in Reed Arena, watching the Aggies kick butt.

Tourney history for Reveille

Sorry I've been quite for awhile. I got to licking myself and just lost track of time. It happens.

Anyway, as the NCAA tourney approaches, I thought I would show you all how much I mean to Aggie Men's basketball. Here's a breakdown of the records in the NCAA tourney during each Reveielle's reign.

I - 1931 1943 0-0
II - 1952 - 1966 0-1
III - 1066-75 1-2
IV - 1975-84 2-1
V - 1984-93 0-1
VI - 1993-01 0-0
VII - 2001 07 3-2

You see, I'm the ONLY ONE WITH A WINNING RECORD IN NCAA TOURNEY PLAY. And their retiring me. We'll make the tourney again this year, and I'll be the only one to have led a team to the tourney three times. My greatness is unsurpassed.

I think Sherman just wants a new start. I was saddled with that jerk Franchione for a football coach for too long.

I'm going to go lick myself

Because I can. It's the only way to console my sorrow. Those stupid handlers fired me - I mean announced my retirement - on February 14. Let's take a look at Aggie Men's BB since:

• Lost at HOME to Oklahoma State. The last time Oklahoma State had won a road game, Brittney Spears was sober and Eddie Sutton was drunk.
• Lost to the dread Horns in Austin 77-50. We scored 18 points in the first half. At the time, I thought that was bad.
• Lost to Nebraska - freaking Nebraska, who hadn't recovered from Tyronn Lue's departure - AT HOME in College Station.
• Beat the Sand Pirates 98-54. That felt good. A blind squirrel finds an acorn every once in a while.
• Scored TEN POINTS IN THE FIRST HALF against Oklahoma. We had a 10-9 lead with 12:51 left in the first half, but it was 3:25 into the second half before we scored another point. The Sooners didn't score themselves for five minutes in the first half, but didn't lose any ground in the process.

For those of you scoring at home, that means the Ags are 1-4 and twice have scored less than twenty points in a half during that time. Turgeon's got to pull some strings and get me a contract extension. I don't think he can do it without me.

Get a Life!

I initially turned down the offer to join the LandThieves network. After a few days consideration, and seeing how much time people waste worrying about my successor, I bought some bark recognition software and have started my own blog here.

Many of you have wondered what I am doing since my retirement has been announced. Well, the following Saturday, the men's BB team lost to those Yankee Aggies, giving Sean Sutton his first road W since he took over for that Eddie Sutton. I told you people I was the reason for their success. Did you believe me? No. Who's laughing now?

Far too many of you have written to the Bryan college Station eagle and have put waaay too much thought into my successor. Let's check the history of Reveille...

Let's see, the first of this line was a black and white stray mutt that was hit by a car carrying several members of the Aggie band. Now, people are writing letters to the editors and even op-ed pieces about whether my successor should be a stray from the local pound or a pure bred breed of some such.

People - and I use the term loosely - this is what separates you from Longhorns and Sooners. On the Sooners message boards this time of year, they worry about the NFL draft status of the former student-athletes, 2009 recruiting, kavetch about their most recent loss and complain about the coaching staff. Someone occasionally starts a basketball thread about the good old days when Tubbs was coach and the team could score 80 points on a bad night. The Horns are talking about the good old days when Vince Young was there, arguing whether they should retire Kevin Duran't jersey for his performance in the two NCAA tourney games he played in or debating whether Matthew McConaghey looks good in an orange leather jacket. You people are worried about what breed - if any - my successor will be. Won't matter, noway she'll coach hoops like me. I'm like a canine version of Kim Mulkey.

It's like you're going to let the university become the local outpost of PETA and the ASPCA rolled into one. Pretty soon you'll be boycotting the national champion bass fishing team because it hurts the fish when you put a hook in their mouth and yank 'em out of the water.

If you really want to combine tradition with current culture, divide the band into teams, have them drive the roads around College Station with the intent of running over a dog or two. Don't try to kill 'em, just a bump to knock them down or maybe break one leg or something. The team that comes back to campus with an injured mutt - and the mutt is alive the next day - wins a subscription to Coach Fran's new newsletter wherever he coaches next, and has the knowledge that one day the dog will be buried outside of Kyle Field. So they've got that goin' for 'em. Which is nice.

I'll keep you all posted on my status when I feel like it.